I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
You Might Also Like
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Ah yes. The three genders
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Strangers have the best candy.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.