Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
You Might Also Like
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?