ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.