Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff