If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for