Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes