My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I’d hang this in my house.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
(Electricians.)
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
giddy up Office Depot
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.