I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
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[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Well, this explains it:
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?