My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
This will teach them to underestimate me
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting