People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Fidel Castro was alive?
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.