Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.