I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?