[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.