when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
real
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*