It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me too, bag. Me too….
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me