In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too