me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…