MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
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My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.