who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The opposite of Iceland is water water
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s s茅ance!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
based al yankovic
oh you don鈥檛 want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he鈥檚 waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Apparently changing the locks isn鈥檛 funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.