4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns