Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂