Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
the greatest twitter interaction
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.