I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Dance like you’re not the father
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible