I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
They grow up so quick
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?