I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
#Caturday
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”