Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)