There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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twitter is a journey
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*