If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.