Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”