ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Ain’t no way
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?