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[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look