If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
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Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?