The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
2 years later
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
#parenting
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.