I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I think I’m having a stroke
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
im all 3
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”