“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”