I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
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ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
$3 #books
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.