‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
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Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.