“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.