Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
That’s easy for you to say
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted