the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged