When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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the best thing i’ve ever made
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
shit just got real
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
what it’s like dating me:
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs