PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.