HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My first son he is wonderful
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
How I like cutting carbs
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.