CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Dishonest mechanic?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now