My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
🚲+physics = winner
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️