Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
You Might Also Like
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
🤣could you imagine
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too