I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Cats are still liquid.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”