My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.