My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I have questions??
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out