My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you